Thursday, February 28, 2013

Dear Sadie

Dear Sadie Leona,

You are due to arrive into this world exact four weeks from today, and I want you to know that we are so ready for you! <\p>

I feel bad that this is the first time I've written you a letter since you were conceived. Honestly, I didn't realize how difficult it would be to find time to compose such a personal note with a toddler keeping me occupied whenever I wasn't at work or trying to clean the house. But please know that the lack of pre-birth letters is in no way a reflection of how I feel about you.

Your existence was absolutely 100% planned. We waited until we knew in our hearts that the time was right, which happened to be on July 4th, 2012 (okay, we actually tried on the 2nd as well, but we like to think your conception might have happened like a firework on Independence Day). If so, your true "due date" is April 4th, which to me sounded like a pretty nice time of year to be born.

We knew we were pregnant right away...just a feeling of certainty that we couldn't shake. And I remember so clearly the day we found out for sure. I waited until Daddy left for work to take a test, and when it was positive I just couldn't stop grinning and squealing. The first person I told, of course, was your big sister Abigail. She was one and a half at the time and naturally had no idea what I was saying to her, but I did manage to (sort of) get her to understand that we had a big surprise for Daddy when he got home. And I explained several times throughout the day that when he got home and sat down on the couch she could hand him the positive pregnancy test. Well, instead of waiting for him to settle in, as soon as he walked through the door that afternoon, Abigail yelled "Surprise!!" - It was the so cute, and so funny. Daddy didn't get it, of course, until I made him sit down and Abby then handed him the stick. I don't think he was very surprised (like I said, we already just knew we'd been successful), but he was very happy. <\p>

Another thing we both seemed to know early on is that we were having another girl. Only after many other people expressed their belief that it was a boy did I slowly start to wonder if we were wrong, but I had settled on a girl's name anyway. For a long time, you were going to be named Charlotte. And perhaps someday we will have a Charlotte, but this time it simply wasn't meant to be. I'm not sure why, because I was really stuck on that name (seriously, ask your daddy), but in the end it became Sadie, which is why I'm convinced that in some way you named yourself. Even though it happened out of the blue, it happened so naturally and now, even before seeing your face, I just couldn't picture you as a Charlotte! Funny how these things work themselves out. <\p>

Sadie, I am so anxious to meet you. Although having a toddler made this pregnancy seem to go by faster, it didn't mean that I thought about you any less during that time. Once again, ask your daddy - I have been obsessively wondering about what you look like, how you'll feel in my arms, and what kind of personality you'll have. In some ways, it feels like going through this process for the first time. Having already given birth and watched one little girl grow up to become the little best friend we know today, I know how incredible and amazing the entire journey is, and what we have to look forward to, and I'm almost more impatient to experience it with you. <\p>

I grew up with two brothers, and all my life I assumed that I would be having boys, so when Abigail was born it was such a surprise, a wonderful one, a blessing that even now I'm still getting used to experiencing. So for me to be blessed with another girl? This is blowing my mind! I am so full of joy and love for the two of you, for the blessing you have in each other, for the sweet adventure of sisterhood that you will share. It's a bond that I was never able to experience, but I was very close to my mother and so I hope you will both be close to me too. <\p>

Right now, Sadie, I feel incredibly close to you. You have been much more active in the womb than Abigail was, so I have been feeling your every move for many months now and it hardly seems fair that I can't hold you, kiss you, gaze adore your little face yet! But we're almost there, and thank goodness because this pregnancy has taken a much bigger toll on me physically than my last. I am all around READY...so don't come too soon, but don't wait TOO long. Your mama is eagerly waiting for you. :) <\p>

I love you forever and always, Mommy

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My name is Audrey. I'm just a twentysomething learning how to master the arts of cooking, cleaning, working and being in a relationship, same as you.In between all that, I like to collect sea glass and salvaged furniture. Occasionally, I cut and paste scraps of paper together. In the end, I am hoping that all of these things together will somehow amount to something good. This blog is a journal of my efforts to get there.

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