I'm so filled with emotion these days that it's hard to know where to begin to describe it all.


We are having a little girl.


Just days ago, when this information was given to us, the concept seemed so foreign to me. All along - throughout the beginning of my pregnancy, throughout my life, it seems - i always assumed i'd be having a boy. First, i mean. I always wanted a girl, but kind of daydreamed that the boy would come first.


But God, as usual, would have other plans.


Our ultrasound technician is wonderful. She didn't tell us right away what the sex of the baby was. Instead, she simply asked if we wanted to know, inquired about the names we'd picked out for either gender, and then began to take measurements of the baby, starting with the head. With every measurement she would explain to us what we were looking at. Most of it was obvious...her arms, her little fingers...and all of it was perfect and more adorable than i'd imagined. Nothing, however, compared to seeing that little heart beating, each of the four chambers entirely visible and in working order. There was a life growing inside of me, and i was watching it. And nothing else in the whole world mattered.


"It's an Abby!"


The declaration awoke me from my stupor. The technician had been pushing hard on my belly with her instrument, trying to get the baby to move so we could get a view from under her bum - where, of course, i was expecting to see some little boy parts.


They were girl parts. No doubt about it.


Jeremy and i exchanged astonished glances. Really? We were having a girl?


But of course. Her face looked more like mine now, her movements more feminine. She was cross-legged, the way i sit indian-style most everywhere. And as soon as we saw her defining girl parts, she seemed to become shy and settled in for a little nap.


I rolled onto one side, then the other, in order to allow the technician to take more measurements - beautiful legs, tiny toes - but it wasn't easy. Little Abby was asleep.


I remember tearing up in the waiting room as we prepared to see our midwife, the realization that we were having a daughter striking me for real for the first time. They were joyful tears, mind you. I was going to have a little mini me, only a much better version. A tiny, pink, innocent, helpless version.


Still, it took a couple of days to get used to the idea. I was prepared for a boy, and especially knowing the sex of the child, our concerns had been somewhat minimal. How would i afford maternity leave? We'd cross that bridge when we got there. What kind of parents would we be? If it was a boy, Jeremy would teach him how to swim and fish and play baseball. Where would we fir him or her in the house? Any old corner would do; after all, babies don't take up that much space.


When we found out we were having a girl, all of this changed. I panicked about maternity leave; i work at Starbucks and can barely afford my bills. I panicked about being a good mother; suddenly i felt all this pressure to be crafty and womanly and enjoy shopping. And i panicked about where we'd put the baby's crib and rock her to sleep.


But with each day that passed, i've grown more and more excited about having a little girl, and all of these problems seem to be melting away. Though i don't have insurance through Starbucks, i found out that i still qualify for short-term disability, which will alleviate some of the financial stress that comes with taking time off from work. I may not enjoy shopping very much, but i can't wait to read my favorite children's books to my daughter, teach her how to comb the beach for sea glass, and lick the spoons with her after we've selected the perfect pumpkin for pumpkin pie. As for where she'll sleep? A plan to transform the sunroom into a tranquil nest for her has been weaving itself together in my mind.


I feel her presence more each day. Her little fingers and toes that graze my belly. The way i get emotional just holding a pink onesie. The fact that her name was chosen long before she was even conceived.


My beautiful Abigail Grace.

August 10, 2010





Jeremy's dad was a medic in the coast guard, and every now and then he pulls out his old stethoscope to see if we can hear the baby's heartbeat. Today was the first time i could actually hear it...veeeery faintly, but it was there!

My darling baby,


Daddy and i returned home today from Maine. We were very sad to leave this morning, torn emotions compounded by a long and tiresome ride home (thanks to lots of weekend traffic, a bikeathon, a blues festival, and the fact that mommy needed to stop a few times to pee).


Every moment of our time in Maine was wonderful. The quiet, lazy days at the campsite. The exhilarating days at the beach (Daddy was the only one there who knew how to bodysurf; he's the best wave rider i know). The visit from Jeremy's parents that led to indulgent dinners and one very long, interesting walk along the Marginal Way in the dark. The way Daddy and i loved each other's company and were always cracking each other up.


We love pointing out all the children that we think resemble what you might look like in the future, whether they're one year old, five years, or ten. Especially in Maine. "There she is," Jeremy will say, nodding at a tiny girl with curly hair splashing around at the beach, "that's our little girl." Or "That's you and our son," I'll say, watching a boy and his father building sandcastles. "He's going to love playing with you. You're going to be the best dad in the whole world."


The most pleasant surprise, though, came on the very first day we arrived. We had unpacked our car, set up our campsite, and showered. We planned to go out to dinner and walk the Marginal Way, but first we wanted to take a nap. So we crawled into the tent (it's brand new and VERY big; we bought it knowing that we'd be taking you with us next year), sprawled out on the air mattress, and closed our eyes, enjoying being peaceful as a warm breeze blew through the tent and soothed our souls. And that's when i felt you move inside me for the first time.


You came alive for us in Maine. Your movements were small, just gentle pokes in my belly, but they were enough. Daddy placed his hand on me, and although he couldn't feel anything, he smiled. We both agreed that you must have been able to sense that, finally, after working so hard for so long, i was starting to relax, and that maybe you were already enjoying Maine as much as we were. Certainly after i began eating things like lobster and steak and fried clams. It seemed that you quite liked those, and proceeded to let me know when you were ready for more (which these days is basically all the time!).


I'm not sure if you can hear my voice just yet, but i hope you can feel my love for you. When i feel you moving around inside me i smile, and when i think about seeing your face for the first time my heart swells and my eyes fill up with tears. You were real to me before, but now i know that you're happy and well, and i couldn't ask for anything more. On the 18th we will find out your sex, and though the thought is exciting, no matter what you are - boy or girl - we will be overjoyed knowing that God has chosen you specifically to make our family three.


Love always,
Mommy

I am helplessly in love.


I have been captivated, whisked away to another world "full of great country houses," as the New York Times Book Review puts it, "epic loves, fierce anger and viscious habits." I have stepped through the looking glass, fallen down the rabbit hole, and landed head over heels in the arms of something both magical and frightening at the same time. And there is no going back.


No, i'm not talking about the Twilight saga. I have no interest in bloodthirsty vampires or natives who turn into wolves when provoked - these are the game pieces for child's play. I'm referring to The Meaning of Night: A Confession by Michael Cox. I'm referring to its 695 brilliant pages of pure seduction, thrilling deception, unrequited love and secrets so dark that only the dead dare whisper of them.


I must confess, even for someone generally enthralled by the challenge of long novels, i myself was fairly intimidated by such a lengthy tale, especially one that seemed to be strictly devoted to one man's drawn out confession leading up to one solitary moment in his utterly tragic life. But who could resist such an ingenius opening line: "After killing the red-haired man, I took myself off to Quinn's for an oyster supper."?


The words melted through the nooks and crannies of my poor, unsuspecting brain like butter on toast.


Who is this man? He's having oysters for supper? My, how i'd love to join him for - wait, wait, he's just murdered someone! And not even a specific someone, just any old someone! Insinuated by the description, "the red-haired man." If he must be so indifferent, then why such a detailed and intimate confession?


Thus began my obsession with Edward Glyver..."booklover, scholar, and murderer."


If you haven't yet had the privilege of meeting this man, i urge you to head to the nearest bookstore and purchase it immediately - or snatch it from Amazon, where you can get it for about 30% less than what i paid for it.


Furthermore, you can check out the website dedicated solely to this novel, the existance of which i was sadly unaware of until today. Though i'm nearly finished with the book myself, it was a pleasant surprise to discover maps of important places in the story, images that inspired certain characters and locales, and a Q&A with the author (one of the questions pertained to the possibility of Night ever being made into a film; mainly, who would play the main characters? And i realize this blog will likely never be read by Mr. Cox, or anyone affiliated with the making of such a film, but i'd like to put in my very strong vote for Edward Norton - in my mind, he simply IS Edward Glyver).


Even furthermore (i know, i know, how can this revelation get any more enticing?), Mr. Cox has since written a sequel to this unforgettable tale, entitled "The Glass of Time." How he could possibly manage to draw me in again so completely beats the Dickens out of me - but i look forward to him trying.

Our baby is growing so fast already.


We finally got to hear the heartbeat today. I couldn't believe how strong it was beating, or how clearly we could hear it! At one point the beat got even louder, to which our midwife smiled and said, "Whoops! It just swam a little closer."


Just knowing that my baby was so near and hearing its little heart beating so strong made me feel a thousand times better. Especially after learning that we weren't going to find out what it was for another four weeks.


We were disappointed at first, but now we just have something to look forward to. Sometimes, after admiring our first ultrasound and noting how very perfect our baby is already, i honestly don't even want to know what it is. It doesn't even matter. What matters is that it's healthy, and happy, and safe.


The real shock came when i stepped on the scale at the office and realized i'd lost nearly two pounds since my last appointment. How was this possible?! I was clearly bigger and my appetite has been out of control. After talking it out with our midwife, i can only assume that the hot weather, combined with sufficient work and excersize, is to blame. This left me with a bit of anxiety, and i actually felt as though i had failed my child for the first time. As though i've not been providing the right amount of nutrition that he or she needs. Now all i can think about every time my stomach growls is my baby suffering in hunger - silly, i know, but i can't get the image out of my head. I just never thought that eating enough would ever be a problem for me!


I am hoping that our vacation will help push me out of this rut. In about a week, we'll be driving to Maine, where we'll do nothing but exist as regular beach bums and eat all the lobster, steak and ice cream we want - Jeremy, myself, and our hungry little caterpillar.

I finally have a bump. Technically, it's been around for about a month or so already, but now there's no hiding it. I can't zipper my pants anymore; i think that's the official rite of passage into the 2nd trimester of pregnancy. In other words, getting fat.


It's still hard to believe there's a little person growing inside of me. But i know he or she is there, because the hard, round bulge that is my uterus is growing all the time. I can feel it, and i won't lie, it kind of freaks me out. It's like having a very large baseball lodged in your lower belly.


But i can't help being in love. I work in a very faced-paced, sometimes stressful environment, and i don't feel like i get enough time during the day to just BE pregnant, and enjoy it. So at night, before falling asleep, i lie awake in bed holding my belly and relish in the quiet. One of these days, i know i'm going to feel the baby move. But for now, i love just knowing that my body is still and that all he or she can hear is my heartbeat. It's nice that i can have this kind of intimate moment with my child before it's even born. I never really imagined that it would be possible until i could physically hold it in my arms.


When Jeremy comes to bed, he talks to the baby. I always thought one day i would adore watching my husband talk to my belly when i was pregnant, but it's even more wonderful than i was prepared for. He even sang a little song, one that i'm certain will aid in helping the baby fall asleep someday.


Next week, we find out what the baby's sex is. We struggled with this decision for a while, but finally concluded that we'd never be able to wait 6 more months to find out. I'm sure we could - and i think in the future we might try it. But our first ultrasound left us feeling like the baby is already a part of our family...and we want to know what to call it!

Today we received our wedding rings in the mail. They are beautiful!





First, let me tell you who made them. Her name is Lisa Hall, and she owns a little bait-shack-turned-studio in Northeast Harbor, ME. A few months ago, i mailed her a pretty white piece of sea glass that Jeremy found for me and asked her to use it to make my wedding ring. I was so in love with her jewelry, and working with her was so fun and easy, that i asked her to make Jeremy's wedding band as well. I wanted them to be simple but mine feminine and his manly, to resemble eachother but not be too matchy, to appear weathered but still seem regal.


They are perfect.


The sea glass has much significance for me. In essence, Jeremy and i fell in love at the beach, and spent many an evening strolling the sand in various places in search of sea glass. These tiny little treasures seemed to represent us both very well. We had been through a lot of storms in life and were a little worn down, but it seemed that God had still chosen to render us smooth and beautiful for one another. Out of all the different interesting objects washed ashore, we were drawn to the one that would make us glisten while remembering all we'd been through to get to that very moment.


When i look at my ring, i remember our trip to Maine last summer (where ironically our rings were created), when Jeremy got down on one knee behind the Colonial Village Resort and proposed to me. Behind the resort is a long, valley-like depression separating it from the ocean that floods with water when the tide rises - so high that the resort provides canoes to get across when necessary. Earlier in the day, the depression was nearly dry, and we simply walked across to the other side. Later, however, as my feet were blistering from breaking in my new sandals and Jeremy's recently injured back was sore and we were both sweaty and tired and needed to pee, the water had risen so high that we would have had to swim to get across. This was not an option; we had chairs and towels and sunblock. Rowing was not an option; we had no canoe. About a hundred yards to the right was a very long bridge, which we would have to cross and then wait at the bus stop for a ride to our hotel...our hotel which was RIGHT THERE; i could have tossed a stone to it if i'd had the energy. All of this processed in my head, and i believe i whimpered.


That's when Jeremy, still shouldering the chairs and carrying the towels, got down on his knee and asked me to marry him. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect proposal. I said yes, and we made the laborious journey together through soft, burning sand to the bridge, waited for the bus, and finally made it back to our hotel.


Even though the sea glass on my ring doesn't come from that vacation (there is, in fact, NO sea glass whatsoever at Ogunquit Beach, oddly enough), it still reminds me of Maine and of our love - strong, fun, and able to overcome any obstacles that are presented to us. Whatever the future holds, we are in it together, no matter what.




Some people they call me crazy
for falling in love with you
Well, they can take me and lock me away, baby
cause there's nothing those bars can do


I'll be the rising moon after the setting sun
just to let you know you'll always have someone
I'll be the clearest day when the rain is done
So you'll always know


Through the shake of an earthquake
I will never fall
That's how strong my love is
Like a ship through the storm,
we can risk it all
That's how strong my love is


I used to feel kinda lonely
cause the world, it can be so fake
All that matters, I'm telling you
is you and me only
and the fortress from love we make


I'll be the water you need
in the desert land
just to let you know you'll always have my hand
I'll be the woman you need
to be a better man
So you'll always know


Through the shake of an earthquake
I will never fall
That's how strong my love is
Like a ship through the storm,
we can risk it all
That's how strong my love is


ohh, can't nothing break us down
ohh, cause we are heavenbound
like a mountain standing tall, immovable
we're here to stay
ohh, can't nothing get in the way


Through the shake of an earthquake
I will never fall
That's how strong my love is
Like a ship through the storm,
we can risk it all
That's how strong my love is


Through the deepest waters
i won't let you drown
That's how strong my love is
It's a balloon in the sky
that will never come down
That's how strong my love is
That's how strong my love is
That's how strong my love is

- "That's how Strong my Love is" Alicia Keys