It is the first day of summer, and life couldn't be more beautiful.

As I sit here on the couch, windows open, curtains softly blowing, sun shining, birds chirping, and sweet little sleeping baby in my arms...I feel so blessed. And so alive.

This moment right here is what life is all about. Jeremy and Abby are napping together upstairs, and I am snuggling the world's snuggliest baby girl and relishing every second of it. We had Sadie because I missed having a baby (ok, maybe partly because we wanted Abby to have a sibling.) I misses the smallness. I missed the smell, and boy does this girl deliver. I must bury my face in her neck eight hundred times a day to breathe in that smell. And, oh, her cheeks! They are like two giant pillows. Honestly, I go to kiss them and my lips just keep sinking...and sinking...and sinking. I'm in heaven.

This Spring was a bit of a whirlwind. We've been getting used to having two little people run our lives instead of just one...getting car problem after car problem fixed and paid for...going back to work...growing a garden...saying goodbye to my grandfather.

I don't know what this summer holds in store for us, but I get the feeling it's going to be a good one.

Giant sigh.

I feel as though these days I have many things to say, and many things to think about, but not a spare moment to say them or think about them. Why does not being able to keep a consistent and thorough journal as I did several years ago bother me so much? Lots of people go their entire lives without ever recording a single day or memory, whether written or otherwise.

But that's not me. That's never been me.

I think memories are sacred and precious. While I'm not ready to share about it just yet, my grandfather died recently. I spoke at the funeral, and the main sentiment behind what I shared was that i didn't know my grandfather very well, and that it would always be one of my deepest regrets. At the wake, the part that brought tears to my eyes even quicker than seeing my grandfather's body, was seeing all the pictures of him in his younger years. Pictures of a man I didn't know, a real man with a real family and real feelings who lived a very full and interesting life. And the fact that I was a stranger to that man saddened me on a level that I was so unprepared for.

I don't want to be a stranger to my kids, or my grandkids, or even my great-grandkids. I may not be traveling the world, or going to college, or curing any cancer, or amassing any trophies. But I am living a full and interesting life - at least in the eyes of my new, late twenty-something self - and I am happy. And I want my kids to know it.

There are things I want them to understand. First off, I married a man who was different than me in many ways, but completes me. He challenges me, without even knowing it, to be better at everything I do. He is an incredible husband - truly, better than any husband I've imagined for myself in past years - and the most perfect father I could have wished for my children. I am a better wife, mother, friend and person because of him. We don't always agree on everything, but we talk a lot and have managed to avoid any and all fighting this way. We make each other laugh. We don't take life too seriously. In fact, we're pretty lazy about it. We like to play more than work, and we hope our children will do the same.

I have two daughters, both of whom are more beautiful, sweet and loving than I ever hoped or dreamed they would be. I am still shocked that I didn't end up with a house full of boys, but now I can't imagine it any other way. I don't know what the future will bring, but for now we are happy with two of the most amazing little girls the world has the offer. They bring us much joy, and are constantly teaching us what love is, and how to do it.

I make coffee for a living. This may change eventually, but both Jeremy and I strongly believe that we are not defined by our jobs. We are not defined by what we do, but by who we are. And who we are is a couple of parents wanting to be their for their children. We don't own a house or a new car and we have no desire to keep up with the Joneses. We have simply chosen to live with less so that we can love our children more. We want to be with them, reading them stories, snuggling them in bed, playing with them in nature, teaching them about the things that truly matter - not what society tells them should matter.

I have always loved writing. I believe in it. I won't necessarily make money doing it, but it makes me happy. And you should always try and do the things that make you happy, as often as possible.

I like blues and folk and classic rock and any combination of the three. I like to garden. I like drinking beer, especially at the beach, and would like to learn as much about beer as humanly possible. I like to paint, and collect sea glass, and take pictures and read memoirs. I like stone walls. I think praying is essential to breathing. And I think I have the best mother in the entire universe.

There is more, so much more...and I hope to keep on writing about it all. I hope to keep sharing about the joys amd sorrows of parenthood and the evolution of being a wife. I hope my daughters will read this someday and know that they are not alone. That I have always been here, I am here now, and I will be here always. Even if it's just for them.

Bulletpoints, because that seems to be all I'm capable of handling these days.

1. My grandfather is dying. I put this point first so it could be followed by good news. My grandfather has two months to live...can you imagine? No one should know when they're going to go. I'm not sure what to say here. Papa was a horrible father to his own children...from what I've heard he wasn't particularly great at being a husband either...and he's barely made an effort to get to know any of his grand kids. Except for Abby. For some reason, he is quite fond of her, and his only request these days seems to be that he wants to see her. So of course we indulge. In the years after Gram Mary died, he has actually become a much softer man, and it's enough to bring tears to your eyes when you see him and Abby together. And she just loves him right back. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle his death myself, let alone getting Abby through it while maintaining her innocence. As always, I pray for a miracle. But in the event that he must leave us, I pray that Abby will continue to be a source of joy for him. I pray that he is safe and comfortable. I pray that he finds peace in God and within himself. And I pray that these last two months are truly the best he's ever had.

2. Sadie is rolling over. Isn't it a little soon?! I couldn't believe that it happened today. I was actually taking a picture of her propping herself up on her arms and holding her head up...because I thought THAT was amazing...when suddenly she began teetering and just as I snapped the photo, she rolled over! At 7 weeks old. It's all happening too fast!! And of course I didn't get it on video. Which leads me to my next point...

3. No video camera. This is absolutely heartbreaking. For two years I was unknowingly recording all our video onto the internal memory and NOT onto our memory cards, and looooong story short, I haven't been able to record anything since January. Abby's birthday, to be precise, when we ran out of internal memory RIGHT before singing Happy Birthday to her. I want to cry every time I think about it, and then cry again when I remember we will also have NO video of Sadie's first two months of life. I say two, because we FINALLY found someone who is able to fix our situation for us...is fixing it right now actually. May this man be forever blessed, and may Sadie forgive us for allowing such a stupid mistake to happen. :(

4. I am writing again. Yeah, I know, this should be really exciting but isn't because I'm like the boy who cried wolf except I'm the Girl Who Cried Writer. I've been saying that someday I'll be a published author since I was, I dunno, a day old? And to this day...nada. But it's time. If only because I am so sick and tired of Nicholas Sparks monopolizing on both the literary and cinematic worlds. Somebody pull him off the stage!!! Okay, so I really just need some extra cash. Who the heck cares why I need to do this? I just do. And so...I'm writing again.

5. It's been 3 years. Yes, May 13th was our anniversary. Three years ago we gave up the notion that we'd have a wedding come summertime, found out we were pregnant, and on a sunny Thursday morning drove to the town hall and said our vows under the trees by Siders Pond. Then we went to The Landfall in Woods Hole and had lobster rolls and chowder. It was a perfectly understated day, and three years and teo beautiful little girls later, we are stronger than ever.

6. Prudence Island. Ah, where to begin? Soon I will write an entire page about this wonderful little place that has already brought so much peace, joy and blessing into our lives. I am so grateful that our girls will get to enjoy it for many years to come!

On April 1, 2013 we welcomed our beautiful, sweet Sadie Leona Brown into the world. And she has been stealing our hearts ever since.

Weighing 7lbs 10ozs and 20 inches long, this little girl must have somehow known that when she was conceived, I was hoping for an April baby. Because she was "due" March 27th, and all along I somewhat expected her to arrive early, not just because she's my second baby but because for so long she was so active in the womb (towards the end, I couldn't get her to move no matter how much I poked and jiggled my belly!). However, my little girl waited to be greeted by some true warm weather and came instead the day after Easter.

I realize I am writing...no, finishing...this post an entire month after Sadie's birth, and I'm not happy about it. Nearly every single day since then I intended to try and write something...but dear God have I been busy! This whole family of four business is much, much harder than it looks in the Disney brochures. I wouldn't even want to attempt describing what a normal day for us now looks like, if only to avoid scaring whoever's reading this out of having children (and we want more??!).

BUT.

There is so, so much love in this home. So much joy. And I honestly wouldn't trade our life for any other. Yes, things are a lot more challenging around here. What things, you might be asking. Pretty much everything. And I'm still trying (some days, I'll admit, not hard enough) to figure it all out...how to pee and shower and feed myself, keep the girls safe and fed and clothed and dry, make dinner, get outside, and make sure each of the girls is getting enough of my attention. That's what concerns me the most in all this. The splitting myself in two deal (three, if you consider my husband). I love that up until now I've been able to give Abigail all of me. She had all of my love and attention every single day, and now not only am I struggling to get one-on-one time with her and feeling guilty and sad about that, struggling to make sure Sadie has the same babyhood that Abby did. But she never will. And both of these truths bother me. To be honest, though I'm writing about it now, on a daily basis I force these thoughts from my head because otherwise they would drive me to tears!

But I'm trying. And hoping still that I'll get better at it.

Back to Sadie. Oh my, is she a sweetie. For the first couple weeks she just wanted to be held (remember back to our ultrasound, when we were already calling her Snuggly Sadie? That was so accurate!). I mean, I had to wake her up to eat, sometimes resorting to poking and prodding. All she did was sleep and snuggle! Now, she is much more alert when awake, and she's awake for longer periods of time. But she still sleeps a lot, and either way still wants to be held All The Time. Like, all...the...time. She is such a mama's girl (yay! Abby and I have a special bond, but she was always a Daddy's girl).

Just since yesterday, Sadie has started cooing. Oh, God, there is nothing that gets my heart melting like our babies' first "words." When they actually start focusing on your face, looking right into your eyes when you talk, their arms and legs wiggling in excitement...and they purposefully make a Noise. Noise, with a capital N, because it's not a cough or a sneeze or a hiccup or a cry but a real, honest effort to respond to you. It's to die for.

And Abby? She is amazing. She is blowing me away all the time with her maturity throughout this process. She loves, loves, LOVES her sister! She says so every day. And when she wakes up in the morning (in her big girl bed! Ack!) and I go and get her and bring her into bed with us and she smiles immediately at seeing Sadie and she touches Sadie's fingers and says, "Awww...look at her! She's so beautiful"...I am lost. Lost in love, lost in a big fat puddle of MUSH. How did we get so lucky with this girl?? The day may soon come, but so far she hasn't shown one bit of resentment towards Sadie. Just pure, sweet, simple, sisterly love.

So this is our life now. The four of us, figuring it out. Running behind, getting frustrated, learning slowly. But we're doing it together, and that's what gets you through. The togetherness.

Happy One Month, sweet Sadie! We love you. <3

Sweet Sadie,

In about one hour, your due date will be here. The last nine months have flown by, but towards the end time does seem to slow down significantly. We are all so eager to meet you! Abigail is very excited to be a big sister, and your daddy and I are looking forward to watching our family dynamics change with the addition of a second child.

It's hard not to assume that you will wait until April to be born, as your sister was nearly two weeks late to the day. But there is something really special about your due date, tomorrow, March 27, 2013.

It is a full moon. It's called the Full Worm Moon, but has also been known by other names:

Full Worm Moon – MarchAs the temperature begins to warm and the ground begins to thaw, earthworm casts appear, heralding the return of the robins. The more northern tribes knew this Moon as the Full Crow Moon, when the cawing of crows signaled the end of winter; or the Full Crust Moon, because the snow cover becomes crusted from thawing by day and freezing at night. The Full Sap Moon, marking the time of tapping maple trees, is another variation. To the settlers, it was also known as the Lenten Moon, and was considered to be the last full Moon of winter.- Farmers Almanac

Of course, no scientist will officially say that the cycles of the moon have any real effect on childbirth. But it has been proven by countless testimonies from women that there can be no doubt full moons have been known to bring on labor. And out of curiosity - especially because my labor with her seemed to come out of nowhere, and the timing of it never made sense - I did some research and discovered that Abigail was indeed born on a full moon - the Full Wolf Moon, January 19, 2011. Coincidence? I'm not so sure!

In either case, whether or not you are born tomorrow or not is not what's important (not that we're not hoping for it...because we totally are). What's important is that you know what a special time of year you are being born into. Spring, the bearer of new beginnings. Warmth. Light. Life. What's important is that you know how unique you are. And that whenever you do come into this world, you will be welcomed by a family that already loves you so much!

Here's to your good health, safety, comfort, and happiness. Love,

Mommy

We are one week away from #2's due date, and it's official...she is going to be a Spring baby! Hooray!

This final hour, so to speak, is so emotional. It just hit me the other day that we are about to become a family of four. I mean, we were already a family...but now we're a Family, with a capital F...know what I mean? And it's kinda like, Whoa. Now we will be responsible for the well-being of TWO human beings - aside from ourselves, that is (but what parent really does a great job remembering how to take care of themselves?). This means caring for them, teaching them, helping them grow physically, mentally, spiritually...doing our best to both shelter them and prepare them for going out into the world, all at the same time. Which was a heavy commission with just one child, never mind two!

But we've chosen this path, come what may. We've chosen to give Abigail a sibling, regardless of how much extra work it might be, or whatever fears it will bring. For me, i worry about two things: Losing my closeness with Abby, and not having that closeness with Sadie. I know that these fears are normal, but they're the type, I think, that won't go away no matter how many other mommies promise that everything will be fine. Dont get me wrong, it helps to hear it. I don't think anything helps a mommy feel more reassured than talking to other mommies.

But still.

So for now, I'm trying to focus on making sure my relationship with Abby is solid. That she knows how much I love her. That she is as prepared as she can be for such a major life-changing event.

I've been working on her room. Well, Their Room now. She just got her big-girl bed, kindly donated by Jeremy's parents, and actually sleeps half the night in it! I'm so proud. Proud, but missing my snuggle buddy...so I'm secretly glad she only stays there half the night. ;) I wanted to make this bed as special as possible, so that she would love it enough not to miss her crib (not that she's ever spent a full night in there either). And I guess I have my own unique ideas about what makes something like a bed special for a toddler. I know that not everyone will understand my choices, but in the end I think my daughter will, and isn't that what matters?

The sheets I chose for her bed are grey. Yes, grey. They are organic cotton sheets (I didn't particularly buy them because they're organic, but it was certainly a plus), and they're the same sheets Jeremy and I have on our bed. And that's why I chose them. Silly as it may seem, I thought Abby might be comforted by the familiarity of the sheets she's so used to sleeping on - ours! I know most people associate toddler beds with cartoony bedding, but here at The Farm we feel there is such thing as over-stimulation (our girl gets plenty of exposure to Dora the Explorer movies and Sesame Street figurines during the day), and that bedtime stories and playing with our stuffed animal friends is fun enough anyway.

The rest of the bedding was a splurge...we're actually still waiting for it to arrive as I write this...but i truly feel that it was worth every penny. I ordered a custom rag quilt from a seller off of Etsy. It will go nicely with the grey sheets...eventually the grey sheets will be loved by all, I promise!...and it's so beautiful that I almost wish it were mine! Lots of earthy colors there: sage, buttercup, dusty blue, navy blue and teal blue, and grey, all in different patterns and most with flowers. Very feminine, and yet not super girly at the same time. Which is so Abby! I also purchased a block print throw pillow from another Etsy seller, a little yellow fox that just begs for cuddling. You can't help but fall in love with him!

The bed, along with a mushroom night light we got recently, her beloved star lantern, and a sweet, meaningful piece of framed art my friend had someone make for me, will all work together, I think, to help Abby with this transition. It's a start, anyway. As soon as possible I'll take pictures to share. It makes me happy to know that my girls are going to have such a beautiful, thoughtfully designed room to grow up together in.

As for Sadie, I hope that she, too, will experience the best of me as a mom. I hope that she, too, will know how much I love her. And I look forward to doing special things for her just as I do for Abigail.

One week. :)

My sweet Sadie Leona,

Hello again. We are three weeks out from your due date, and I just can't stop thinking about you. How can someone you've never seen or met manage to take up so much space in my heart and mind? I'm sure I wondered the same when I was pregnant with Abby, so I guess it's just one of those questions that will never be answered.

We are suffering from cabin fever here, in the final weeks before you arrive. It has been a long winter. If we weren't caged in by one blizzard or another, it was simply too cold to try and brave our time outdoors. Which is sad. But it's one more reason we are so anxiously waiting for you to come, because your birth means the arrival of Spring, and warmer weather and sunshine and birds. We are big, big fans of birds.

Well, I hope you're cozy and happy in there, as you get ready to surprise us with your REAL due date! I just wanted to say that I love you oh so very much.

Love always,

Mama